Who Am I?
Posted by Bethany Matthews on
Who am I?
What. A. Question.
It’s a question I have been struggling with ever since I started therapy, as I work through my past I can feel myself letting go of who I thought I was, maybe that’s the wrong phrase, I’m not letting go of her, she just doesn’t fit quite right anymore. So many little niggles, the clothes I used to wear don’t suit who I becoming. The activities in life I thought I loved, they suddenly don’t feel like the belong to me now. There’s this sense that I’m not fulfilling my potential but I’m too locked in by who I thought I should be, to work out who I actually am.
Then there’s empty feeling. I defined myself so much on undefinable qualities. I’m not my weight, I’m not my anxiety, I’m not every negative thought that enters my mind. I am Beth, but who in the world is Beth?
I had to really take this back to basics and start with my name. I am absolutely tormented with my name. My surname, while belonging to my kids, also belongs to my ex-husband, and I am pulled so tightly in both directions, I want the same name as my children, but oh my word, I want my own name too. While no closer to an official solution, I am in the process of turning my social media presence into Bethany Rose. No last name required. Let’s get a little Madonna with this.
The name being glossed over enough for me to deal with for now then led on to to the hard part. What make Bethany Rose into a real person. As you may know I am a massive fan of journalling, writing things down helps me solve so many problems, so I thought I’d try to rebuild myself on paper. I used this free kit, set a ten minute timer on my phone and wrote and wrote. And then wrote some more.
I didn’t think about what I was writing, I just let it flow. I didn’t worry about spellings or it even making sense, I just tried to write down the words as quickly as my brain formed them.
Looking back over the pages was so illuminating. Some things were highlighted only be their absence. Some things I knew. Somethings would be so easy to do if only I made time for them. The rest of it was going to take more money, time, talent and confidence than I had, but now I have a roadmap, a messy, I don’t know how we are gonna get there- but the journey should be fun - roadmap.
Which in turn brings me to this blog. I’ve wanted to be an author since I was a teenager, maybe even younger. I have my premise, a title, a vague tagline, but no confidence that it is a feat I can pull off. I’ve dealt with imposter syndrome most of my adult life so I’m hoping I can the fake it til you make it approach I have become so accustomed to, to help me power through. I’m not going to rush into this, baby steps are required. My first job is to get back into the habit of writing. (Hey Blog!) I’ll hold my hands up and say the idea of writing a novel is still a little too daunting for me to comprehend. Potentially I need to find myself more before I put pen to paper, I don’t want my writing style to change 5 chapters in.
But I can do this blog.
I can start to rebuild myself.
And I can drag you along for the ride.